01
No onboarding
There is nothing to configure, so there is nothing to configure wrong. Time to first value: instant, in the sense that it never arrives.
The first product engineered entirely from absence. No features to learn, no data to leak, no servers to fall over at 3am.
Most products are judged by what they add. This one is judged by what it refused to. Each omission below was deliberate, reviewed, and shipped.
There is nothing to configure, so there is nothing to configure wrong. Time to first value: instant, in the sense that it never arrives.
We are not being principled. There is simply no surface on which an event could occur. Our privacy policy is one word long.
The API has been stable since before it existed. Nothing depends on it, so nothing can break when it doesn't change.
Latency is bounded above by the speed of light and below by the fact that no request is ever made.
Migration is trivial. Competitors offer an identical product at a comparable price, and switching requires deleting nothing.
Feature requests are accepted and, in a meaningful sense, already implemented. The backlog is empty and will remain so.
Independently benchmarked. The results were reproducible on the first attempt and every attempt after.
| Cold start | 0.00 ms |
| Memory footprint | 0 B |
| Requests per second | ∞ (untested) |
| Error rate | 0.000 % |
| Open CVEs | 0 |
| Lines of code | 0 |
| Carbon per request | 0 g CO₂e |
| Supported platforms | All of them |
| Test coverage | 100 % (vacuously) |
| Time to restore service | Not applicable |
“We replaced our entire stack with it. Nobody has noticed, and our incident count dropped to zero the same afternoon.”
All tiers include the full product. The difference between them is presentational.